Year in Review

One year ago today I closed on my first house. I wish I could say it's been everything I hoped it would be and more; but instead I find myself thinking that if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have bought that house.

Don't get me wrong-- it's a great house. I actually love it a lot. I love that friends and family gathered around me and poured so much energy and sweat and love into that house. I love that pretty much every room went from being an eyesore to being homey (or at least that "homey" is in sight!). I love the backyard with the grill and the firepit. I love that the painting that Lauren and I made in our first "grown-up" apartment is hanging on the wall and matches the living room perfectly. I love that my brother made a piece of stained glass to match said painting. I love that I "randomly" found great roommates and that together we made the house feel like a home.

One year ago today I really thought that I was finally "home"-- that I was never going to leave Philly and that I was finally putting down roots. I thought I was up for the challenge of home ownership. I thought that I was ready to commit to that block, that neighborhood, that community.

And then in April I quit my job and decided to move to New York for the summer-- with the possibility of staying longer. What happened?!?! How did I go from being so sure I wanted to be a Philadelphian to picking up and moving to Brooklyn?! What happened to those dreams of being settled, of becoming a committed resident on the best block of Ellsworth Street? The weirdest part to me was that no one disagreed with my decision. Instead, presented with the options, pretty much every single person told me it was clear that this was what I should do! And I kept wondering Why did it seem so right to buy this house if I'm not going to stay in it? When I prayed and prayed and prayed about whether or not to buy this house, why did it always seem like God wanted me to do so if he's now moving me away from here? '

During the house buying process, I was just blown away by how clearly God wanted me to have that house. From the initial desire to be on that block, to conversations with the realtor about how it was never going to happen, to the first tour through the house, to the miraculous price drop-- God clearly orchestrated all of it. So am I walking away from where God wants me to be? or is there some other purpose that I just can't see right now?

I've asked my dad this question (you'll remember that my dad is the wisest man I know). When I've talked to him about my decision of what to do in the fall, it's always with a degree of guilt that he poured so much into that house that I'm now considering walking away from. But you know what he said to me? "We made that decision with the information that we had at the time-- it was the best decision at that time with the information that we had." And I have to find comfort in that. Many of the facts surrounding the decision to buy that house have changed; if I'd known all that back then, it wouldn't have made sense to buy it. But I didn't know back then. And I have to believe that God is sovereign over the timing of what information I receive and when.

I think it's really easy to look back and regret decisions we've made or to second-guess ourselves. But I think my dad's really right-- we have to make decisions based on the information God has chosen to give us at the time and not worry about the what-ifs and the unknowns that God might reveal a bit further down the road.

I'm still really curious to find out the ending to the story of my first house. I wonder why I bought it-- I wonder if it's because I'm going to end up back there someday or if it's a lesson in not buying houses before you're really ready to be a grown-up or if it's just so I'd have to process all these questions about God and his timing. I'm excited that it's a story that's guaranteed to have a happy ending since God is writing it; but I'll also admit (see previous post) that I'm nervous that it's not going to look like anything I would have written for myself.