I have long feared that God is a cosmic killjoy. The path of obedience seems to me to be one of self-denial and, therefore, often of hardship and trial. Carried out to its logical conclusion, this means that if I'm happy it's because I'm not where God really wants me to be. It means that when something good happens in my life, I start to get nervous that God's going to take it away to teach me some sort of lesson.
For as long as I've been able to identify this fear, I've also known it's not right. But I'm sorry to say that hasn't changed the deep-seated distrust of biblical truths like "God delights to give good gifts to his children." Really? Or does he delight to give them so he can take them away a little bit later and show me that I had an unhealthy delight in something other than him? is the question that haunts me in the back of my mind.
I thought that I was getting over this; that I was really starting to believe that God is for me. But instead I'm seeing the same fear creep up in different places, in different disguises.
I want to stay in New York-- I told a friend a couple weeks ago.
"Then why don't you?"
It's not that easy.
"Why not??"
It's just not... there are so many details and logistics to work out; I don't know how to make it all fit.
"But if you want to stay here, why don't you just stay and do what you have to do to make it happen?"
I'm not sure that this is where God wants me.
But in the weeks following that conversation, the more I think about it the more I realize that the real subtext of my own thinking is more like this: I'm really happy here, so it must not be right. The Christian life is about self-denial and sacrifice; this doesn't feel like sacrificing. Or to put it more bluntly: Since God doesn't want me to be happy, I can't stay in New York.
Don't worry. I really do know how bogus this line of reasoning is. But I was talking to a good friend tonight who is going through the same What do I do with my life? crisis, and it made me realize that this fear of "God as Cosmic Killjoy" permeates more of our lives than we would like to admit. When I give any credibility to the suspicion that God doesn't really want me to be happy, I start to dread his involvement in my life. I do believe that God wants me to find my joy in him-- but I also often add (albeit subconsciously) and if I find any sort of joy in anything else, he will take it away so I don't have any choice but to be joyful in him alone. I'm afraid I fail to think about all the ways God has used amazing gifts to teach me more about himself and to grow my love for him through the blessings he's given.
As my friend and I-- and so many other people, I'm sure-- wrestle with God about different decisions and events in our lives, I just wonder how our lives would change if we deeply believed that God was excited to give us good things in our lives. I wonder how my life would change if I deeply believed that God is excited to give me good things, that he's not holding back and that he's not a cosmic killjoy.
Perhaps a good starting place is redefining our notions of "happiness.". As Christians I think the way we define happiness is not necessarily Biblical all the time.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with the very same feelings, which are far from the Biblical depiction of who God really is. I always remind myself of Matthew 7:9-11: "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" These thoughts of God as a "cosmic killjoy" are really directly from the devil himself, who was the first to question God's goodness to Eve in the Garden of Eden. Doubts lead to disbelief, and disbelief leads to sin.
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