My Caven

It's kind of a cave, but it's also my haven-- a getaway spot where I can go when I want to be alone but can't stand to be by myself-- surrounded by people but not anyone who knows me to talk to me. I'm sitting here now, sipping a pumpkin spice latte, looking at jobs for working with inner city kids, and listening to that kind of music that makes you simultaneously hopeful and sad about life.

Everyone else just left to go home. So much for being surrounded by people....

Cloudy

Cloudy.
[My head] is gray and white and cloudy...
Cloudy.
My thoughts are scattered and they're cloudy,
They have no borders, no boundaries.
They echo and they swell
From Tolstoy to Tinker Bell.
Down from Berkeley to Carmel....

I've had a headcold since Labor Day weekend. Almost a month later and not only does it not show signs of getting better, it's actually daring to get worse. I'm pretty sure I have an ear infection-- if I have pain and the hearing comes and goes in one ear, that's a bad sign right?

I feel like I'm in a fog; I can tell people are talking around me-- sometimes I can tell that they're talking to me. But I usually can't hear what they're saying.

"You need to go to the doctor."

Yeah, but I don't have that kind of health insurance.

Maybe it's time to rethink this whole working-at-a-restaurant thing??

:(

Fall in a Cup

Today is the first day of Pumpkin Spice Latte season. Some people call it "autumn," but really the two names are interchangeable. The genius of the Pumpkin Spice Latte is that it manages to capture all the flavors of fall in beverage form.

There are rules about enjoying this amazing drink. You can't drink it until the first day of fall, or it just doesn't taste as good. It would be like... like... like drinking a Christmas drink before Thanksgiving. Some things just aren't okay.

So today was the first day that the Pumpkin Spice Latte was legal to drink. But I didn't have one. I know, gasp!!!! But I have a good reason, I promise. My brother Steve and my good friend Melissa share my deep conviction about waiting for the autumnal equinox before enjoying this seasonal treat. For the past several years, I've gotten to drink my first PSL of the season with one or the other of them. But this year.... well, I live in New York now; and Melissa's back in Philly. And Steve is away on business through the end of the week. Steve and I decided to wait until this weekend and have the first drink together. And then I got an idea! I texted Melissa (aka "Spice"-- no joke. Our nicknames are Pumpkin and Spice. No wonder we're such a good pair!) and asked if she wanted to come up for the day on Sunday and drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes with Steve and me. Thankfully, she is as crazy as I am and she's coming!

So I could legally have gotten a Pumpkin Spice Latte today, but it just wouldn't have been the same to drink it by myself. But I sure am excited for that first drink of fall this Sunday!

Filling in some gaps

I've taken a blogging hiatus, if you haven't noticed. It's another case of "too much going on in my mind to get anything out on paper (or a computer screen, as the case may be)." I talked about this condition with another friend who's a blogger, and we agreed that there's a distinct danger that if you write what you're actually thinking about, you'll lose all your faithful followers. So instead I suppose I could just write vague entries--

Day 1:

Deep breath.

Day 2:

Smile. Even if you don't feel like it. Maybe the happiness will follow.

Day 3:

Sigh.

Day 4:

Ugh.

Day 5:

Wake me up when September ends. (Thanks, Greenday-- you always did have a way with words!)

Day 6:

The smiling didn't work.

Day 7:

Oh to be a kid again when your biggest problem was that your brother got more ice cream than you did.

Yep, I think that covers the last week.

I wonder what my life would look like if I truly believed that God delights to give me good things, and that this is an unchanging and irrefutable truth-- if I believed that each and every single thing that happened to me was not somehow in spite of God's goodness and sovereignty but because of it. If I believed that the bumps in my road of life were part of his gifts to me, would I hate them so much? Losing people I love, troubles with friends, loneliness, financial stresses, general life confusion-- I don't want these problems in my life. I don't want to feel like I don't belong anywhere, like I have no purpose anywhere.

But if I truly believed that God was giving me each of these trials because he loves me, would I deal with them better? I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. And I'm pretty sure I don't believe it deeply enough, because write now I'm just overwhelmed. I'd tell you more about it, but like I said, I don't want to lose my blog following.

Water, water, everywhere

One of the things I learned from being an English major is that symbolism runs through literature so much that you rarely get it all on the first read. One of the things I'm learning as a Christian is that symbolism runs through the Bible so much that you never get it all on the first read.

I've already shared a bit about Isaiah 43 and how the promises in those verses have encouraged me. But this morning I was reading Psalm 77 as I drank my coffee, and the verses took on new meaning in light of the Isaiah passage...

God promises in Isaiah, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you." And it made me see the waters as symbolic of troubles and trials and stresses that threaten to overwhelm.

So when I got to this part in Psalm 77, "water" took on a different meaning:
"When the waters saw you, O God, when the waters saw you, they were afraid; indeed, the deep trembled.
. . .
Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters, yet your footprints were unseen. You led your people like a flock..." (v. 16, 19-20).

Sometimes-- often-- God's way is through the sea of struggling and his path is through the great waters of hard things. Sometimes his footsteps are unseen, but he's still in control-- he's not subject to the great waters; they are afraid and tremble in his presence. So the rivers of uncertainty and doubt will not-- cannot-- overwhelm me. Because I am one of his precious sheep, and he will lead me to safety.

Plot Spoilers

I'm currently reading a book series (The Hunger Games) that my friend Adam lent me. I think they were meant for teenagers, but I can't put them down. It's that type of book where each chapter ends with a cliffhanger that just forces you to turn the page and keep reading-- regardless of how tired you already are or of how early you need to be up the next morning.

I don't do well with suspense. It's a good thing Adam is only giving me one book at a time, or I think I'd just have to peek to see if the heroine survives-- and to see who she ends up marrying. I've gotten to the point where I'll turn to the last page in a chapter and have to cover the last paragraph with my hand. If I don't, I know I'll peek!

I want to know how my story ends too. I never did do well with suspense....

Sidewalk Sofa

On our way home from dinner the other night, we walked past a beautiful leather couch on the sidewalk.

Do you think it's free?! -- was my initial exclamation when we saw it.
"I'm sure it's not; who gives away a leather couch that nice?" said Gretchen.
You want me to ask? I will! (There were people standing right by the couch and the other discarded personal belongings.)
"If you're brave enough, go for it."

So I did. Only to find out that the other people were trash-pickers also. It was all up for grabs!! So Gretchen, Christine, and I handed Debbie our purses and began carrying the couch down the street.

"It's not gonna fit up our staircase...."
Oh yes it will! Where there's a will, there's a way!
"What about the plates??" (For those of you who haven't been to our place, there are literally about 300 china plates that "adorn" the staircase.)
We'll just be extra careful... we can make this work! It's such a great couch! And it's free!!

So we flipped it on its side and carried it-- VERY carefully-- up the stairs. Nancy (Gretchen's mom) helped us lift it, while Debbie stood behind us and shouted out warnings of how close we were to breaking the plates. We got it to the top of the first flight of stairs.... and got stuck.

"You're not gonna make it. You're gonna break plates," said Debbie.
But we're so close!!
"It's not gonna fit. You've gotta put it back outside."

More pushing, more lifting. Really? We're really going to have to give up? I was lifting from the bottom of the couch; Gretchen and Christine were at the top trying to pull it over the banister. I braced myself for the increased load as we admitted defeat and began to take it back downstairs.

Okay, I'm ready-- just let it down slowly so it doesn't crush me!-- I told them.

But instead of getting heavier, it suddenly got lighter! What was this?? They had gotten it over the railing! We were in the clear! And we hadn't broken any plates!! The second stairway didn't have plates on it, so we cleared that one much more easily and eased the new couch into our front living room.

It is gorgeous. Black leather, and it looks brand new. We sprayed it with Lysol, took the cushions apart and inspected for bugs-- and it all looks great.

But I have to say that pretty much without fail, every single person I've told about this "amazing find" has said, "I sure hope you didn't take it into your house-- the only reason anyone would get rid of a nice leather sofa would be if it has bedbugs in it."

Way to take the wind out of my sails, and I tell them not to be such pessimists. But all of these exchanges have made me wonder if I'm really cut out to be a New Yorker, after all? Maybe I'm just a little too naive and optimistic...

But in the meantime, I am enjoying the beautiful black leather sofa that sits in our front living room.

This is the song that never ends

I have a couple postcards hanging on the wall next to my mirror; each one has a verse or a quote on it that I can read as I blowdry my hair in the morning. One of them has a chunk of Isaiah 43 on it (emphasis added by me)--

¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not overwhelm you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you....

I read this as I blowdryed my hair the other morning. Almost instantly, parts from "How Firm a Foundation" began to play in my head (turns out, the hymn is based on Isaiah 43, but I'd never realized that...):

"Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy troubles to bless
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress....

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never, forsake!"

One of the beautiful things about music is that it helps you remember the words-- you know how when you were in school and had to memorize a list of things, one of the tricks was to set the list to music? Well, the same thing works with Scripture verses; set them to music, and they'll keep playing through your head.

Sometimes it's really annoying to get a song stuck in your head. But this week, I've just been really glad that this is the song I have stuck in mine-- "Fear not, I am with you; oh, be not dismayed!"

For I am precious in his sight. I am honored in his sight. He will be with me, and I will not be overwhelmed. I am redeemed. He has called me by name, and I am his. I am loved by God.

And that song doesn't end. It will never end because God never changes, and he has loved me from the beginning of time. I have no reason to be afraid of tomorrow-- or of today-- for he is with me, and that's never going to change.