This time last night I was ecstatic because of the discovery of a Starbucks card. Tonight, I am holding the same Starbucks card, and the balance is a whopping $0.00. And no, not because I spent the day at Starbucks drinking $86 worth of coffee. I found out just before I went to bed last night that the card was registered-- that if I turned the card in (or if they reported it lost), the rightful owner could get back the balance on their card. Suddenly it wasn't a gift anymore; it felt like stolen property. So today Gretchen and I made the trip to Starbucks and told them what had happened.
It's a very cool gift card; has a New York City taxi on it and says "new york"-- but that's all it is now. Now it's not worth anything except a souvenir from what seemed like it was going to be such a great story of God's provision for me.
Yesterday I emailed one of my friends and mentors back in Philly about the card. I told her my exciting story of finding the card and how I felt assured of God's love and care for me through that discovery. In her response to me this morning she wrote, "Jehovah-jireh, He's my provider!........ He wants you to know not only will I provide needs I love you so much I also throw in luxuries."
That was exactly what I'd thought at first-- how amazing to see God care for me in this exceedingly-abundantly-above-and-beyond sort of way! So then with the new information that I could/should return the card to someone, I was suddenly faced with two problems... 1. The moral dilemma: Do I actually return the card? or is there a way to keep the money? 2. The crisis of faith: If God is Jehovah-Jireh, the God who provides, why couldn't he have given me an unregistered card? Why did he give-- and then take away so quickly? I thought he was looking out for me; but is the reality that he is just-- my biggest fear-- really a cosmic kill-joy that likes to hold out good things and then mockingly take it away as I reach for it so he can then watch me suffer?
I know it's just a Starbucks card. No, I'm not really worried that this is proof that God hates me and wants me to be miserable. But I am saying it's an apt metaphor for many of the internal struggles and debates I've been having with God this year.
I believe that God is sovereign. I believe that God is all-powerful. I struggle to believe that God is all-good. And once you start to doubt God's goodness, few things are scarier. If you believe in a God who orchestrates things and can accomplish anything he wants to, but is not good-- well, I honestly can't think of a more terrifying God. Once you start to question his goodness, you start to watch the pieces of your life crumble. And I think that is the pressure point at which so many of us begin to crumble. That is the pressure point at which I have found myself starting to crumble throughout this past year.
The story of this little gift card really reflects the bigger issues-- I believe that God had me find that card in the street. I believe that God could have had it loaded for $1000 and that it could have been an unregistered card that would have been mine free-and-clear. Those are facts in my mind. But then we come to the third part that I fight to wrap my mind around-- God is either good, or he is not. If he is not, he is laughing at me right now for getting so excited about a card I wasn't gonna get to keep. If he is good, that whole story was somehow the best possible thing that could have happened to me-- whether I understand the "why" of it all right now or not.
Believe you me, it was a struggle when I woke up this morning and saw that card.
"God, I just don't understand. Why would you give me something and then take it away so quickly? I thought you were providing for me, but you weren't? That just doesn't make sense. I thought you were showing me your abundant love. Why won't you at least let me hold onto that? Why would you take away the glimpse of your love for me that I've been fighting so hard to see?"
And then the question, always the question, "Do you trust me?"
....sigh.....
Not as much as I should, but yes, I'm really trying.
I wish I could finish the story by saying I get it. That I see the lesson God is trying to teach me, or that I am now 100% convinced that God is good. But like I said, this gift card story is just one piece of my huge puzzle I'm trying to make sense of right now.
I can't help but wonder, though, if all this processing is just one part of the "why" this whole thing happened.....
Why do we always suppose that what we think is right and good for us is really what is right and good for us? How do we know? We are NOT sovereign, we cannot see beyond right now... and yet we hold tightly to our own goals and plans as if we were.
ReplyDeleteIf we do not have an all powerful God who is good, we just have the same god(s) as the rest of the world and we might as well throw in the towel. We need to learn how to hold OUR plans and goals with open palms, rather than in tight fists..even the plans and things we KNOW are good things to want, because even though something is good in our eyes and with our limited amount of understanding, in God's understanding it may not be the best thing/place for us. SO HE puts us where He wants us so we can learn to glory in HIS will not ours. Hard to do, this "trusting Him and not our own wisdom" thing. Probably will take a lifetime of practice, and with Him helping ALL the way.
A reminder to us that we actually do need a Savior..
Hugs to you Anne..keep on keeping on. Can't wait to see more of the adventure you are on with the LORD. he will see you through for His own sake and glory.