Break me through

Today I woke up early,
Today I woke up sad.

It's the beginning of a song by Bebo Norman, but it describes my day well. I woke up early because I was opening the restaurant today-- which meant I had to leave my apartment by 6:40. I woke up sad because.... well, I guess I'm not really sure why. But I just did. And I didn't get less sad as the day went on. Work was crazy and I was so tired that I just wasn't on top of things like I needed to be. When I left work and started to run errands, I walked around New York and just felt lonely. Usually I love the crowds-- love that I don't know everyone and that there are just so many people everywhere. Today I looked around for someone-- anyone-- that I recognized.... and then felt increasingly lonely as I didn't see a single familiar face. When I lived in Philly I literally couldn't leave my house without running into someone I knew. It got overwhelming for me at times, but today that's what I was itching for.

I decided I needed to hang out with God tonight, so I grabbed my journal and my Bible and headed to the Starbucks across the street (less to distract me there, believe it or not). Wanting to hear Jesus' own words, I flipped to John 17 and read the prayer that Jesus prayed for his disciples-- the prayer that Jesus prayed for me:

"I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours." There is an amazing freedom and comfort in knowing that I am God's.
"All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them." Through me?? Thank you, Lord, for using me to bring glory to yourself.
"I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one." Thank you, Lord, that you have not left me but have given me your Holy Spirit. Thank you that you will protect me-- because your name is above all earthly power, so what is there for me to be afraid of?
"While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them." Oh Lord, I want the full measure of your joy! Give me joy knowing that you are powerful to protect me and keep me safe-- and joy in the knowledge that you have not left me alone.
"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." I have left the "Christian bubble," and it can be so scary and difficult at times. Protect me from the evil one. Help me to care more about your smile than the smiles of my peers. I also ask that you not take me out of the world, but that you would protect me from temptation as I go about the work you have given me to do.
"They are not of the world, even as I am not of it." Yes Lord, help me not to find my identity in the world but in you.
"Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." Ah yes.... the importance of staying in The Word daily, so that I might be sanctified-- kept apart and kept pure. Sanctify me by your truth which I find in the pages of your Word. May your Spirit remind me of the truth when my memory fails me...
"As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world." Give me strength for the task ahead.
"For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified." You are all-powerful, and by your power I will be sanctified too.
"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me." God, we can get so distracted by our differences; help us to remember the common bond we have in you. Thank you that I am not alone, but that you have placed me in a family of your children.
"I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." I'm afraid that those around me don't see you clearly enough through my love for others. Father, forgive me and help me to love others as you love them-- so that the world may know you.
"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." Yes Lord, I want to see your glory, too. And I want to be with you all the time. Thank you that you've made this so because of your Spirit. Thank you that you have loved me, too, before the creation of the world. If you've loved me that long, why do I ever question that you'd stop now?!

The rest of this Bebo Norman song is about feeling lonely and how God breaks through that loneliness with his presence:

Show me that
Life shines with you.
You show me that
Life shines with you.
Break me through....

So yes, today I woke up early and today I woke up sad. I think my biggest fear in life is being lonely, and I have to face that fear on a daily basis. Some days I'm okay, and some days I'm sad about it. I think Satan knows it's a good place to hit me-- forgetting Emmanuel, God with us. God with me!

I am not alone. I will never be alone. Because God has loved me since before the creation of the world.