A different kind of tired

Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)

Quite possibly my favorite Bible passage. I read it before heading out the door this morning. I bundled up, fought through the crowds for my spot on the subway, read my book while steadying myself against the spastic movements of the train, and then braced myself to face the cold air on my walk to work on the other end (I am still very thankful for my sleeping bag coat). As I walked the few blocks to the office (yes, I was working my grown-up job today), I just felt overwhelmed. Sad. Tired.

No reason, really. I am honestly in a much better place than I've been for a while. I am enjoying my life; I see God's hand on me in so many ways. But still I struggle to be joyful; I struggle to be content with how my life looks-- oh, so differently than I would have planned for myself. And I am so, so tired of struggling.

These verses came back to mind--

He does not faint nor grow weary. I'm glad of that, because I am faint and weary.
His understanding is unsearchable. Yes Lord, your ways are not my ways. But your ways are good.
He gives power to the faint. I am fighting to hope, and I am growing faint. I need your power.
To him who has no might he increases strength. I have nothing to offer; I need your strength.
Even youths shall faint; young men shall be exhausted. Yep, 29-year-old women, too!
But they who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. God, I need your strength.
They shall mount up with wings like eagles. Really? When I feel like I can barely walk? You promise that I will soar like the eagles?
They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint. In your strength I can press on. You can give me strength-- not just for daily life-- but for the daily struggles as well, both internal and external.

I'm physically tired, yes. I'm fighting a headcold, too, which really doesn't help things. But I'm also a different kind of tired... I am tired of fighting for hope and fighting for joy and fighting against the fear that I'll never really attain them.

But I will run this race, and I will not grow weary. I will walk this path and I will not grow faint. Not because I have it all figured out, but because I don't. Because I know that my strength for the challenges doesn't come from me; it comes from God-- and I will wait on him and trust him to give me the strength I don't have by myself.