Growing Out and Growing In

I've been MIA for a while now. Apologies to all you blog readers who anxiously check every day waiting-- breathlessly, no doubt-- for a new blog post to appear. And for a whole year now, you've been disappointed. And I'm sorry for that.

If it makes you feel any better, I've missed it too. It's not that I haven't had things going on inside my head; it's more that I haven't been able to figure out how to get them out of my head and into any sort of coherent word formation. But I've underestimated how much blogging helps make life feel coherent-- there's something therapeutic about it. I remember when I first moved to New York and nothing made any sense-- I remember when I walked around the city and desperately looked for something (anything!) that would give me a clue to where the pieces of the puzzle were supposed to go. And I found clues and new pieces to the puzzle that I didn't even know existed. This blog helped me make sense of those as I turned them over and over again and tried to figure out what they meant and how they fit and how to cope with the insanity of this puzzle we call life.

I wish I had a neat update to give. How I've finished my puzzle and achieved lasting joy and contentment in the process. I wish I could tell you that I never struggle with doubt or fear or insecurity anymore-- that I never question God or his goodness and care for me anymore, and that since he's been so faithful to me in the past I'm always unfailingly confident in his faithfulness in the future. But alas, the puzzle's still not finished, and I'm still human.

This year has been more of the same. I've had my heart broken-- again. I've questioned God-- again. I've felt abandoned and alone-- again. And maybe that's why I haven't blogged about it. I want to be able to say I've conquered these things or grown out of them. But I'm realizing it's okay that I haven't grown out of them, because I'm growing in them. I've had my heart broken, but I'm still capable of love. I still question God, but now that looks like asking him questions to his face and having real and honest conversations with him about the things I don't understand. I've felt abandoned and alone, but that's one of the things I talk to God about too; because the feeling doesn't have to be the reality.

So I just wanted to let you know, I'm back. Maybe not as frequently as I was before; but I need this blog. I need to process the things God is showing me throughout the days here in NYC. Early on I wrote about the similarities between blogging and photography, because both make you look for beauty in the ordinary. I haven't been good about taking pictures lately, and I haven't been good about blogging. As a result, I've stopped seeing the beauty all around me. And that's just not okay.

Steadfast Consolations

I wish I had something profound to write. So many thoughts spinning through my mind, and I can't make sense of any of them. But this verse comes to mind, again and again....

"When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul" (Psalm 94:19).

Tonight I am thankful for a God who holds me up with his steadfast love (v. 18) when my foot slips and my heart is anxious. I am thankful for friends and family that love me. I am thankful for a place to call home, even when my heart can't decide where home really is. So maybe instead I should say that I am thankful for many places to call home. And I am thankful for frequent reminders that I don't have to bear the cares of my heart alone.

Sleep well, friends.

Lessons from the Learners (Part One of Many, I'm sure)

Background: If you remember our month of outreaches in March (affectionately referred to as "March Madness"), you'll remember that we partnered with New York City Urban Project (NYCUP), part of InterVarsity. Well, this summer we're partnering with them again for their Summer Immersion Project, and as a result of that I have a team of six awesome interns! They're here to serve and to learn, but I'm already learning loads from them...

Today's lesson:

God doesn't just love me. He likes me, too.

Mind = blown. Think about it for a while.

I hope it encourages you as much as it encouraged me.

No Doubt about It!

"No doubt about it: children are a gift from the Lord" (Psalm 127:3).

One of our team members read this verse today during our debrief, and I heard it differently than I ever have before. To be honest, I think every other time I've read it or heard it I've thought, yeah, a gift I'm missing out on because I don't have children of my own. But today I thought, they really are. Thank you, God, that I get to work with this most precious gift all the time.

This month has been awesome. Tiring, hard, exhausting, emotional-- yes. But bottom line, it has been absolutely awesomely incredible. Each week has had its own highlights and its own challenges, but this fourth and final week was unlike any of the others on so many levels. We went into it knowing some of the challenges: we'd be short-staffed on Monday, we wouldn't be allowed to talk about Jesus, and the children we'd be serving would be some of the most at-risk kids we'd seen all month. But we couldn't have known the highlights, and we definitely couldn't have known how most of those highlights would be because of the challenges.

- The extra program day on Monday allowed Isaac, Danielle, and me to take more active roles in leading groups and activities. Leading groups meant that we got to know the kids better than we would have otherwise, and it was a blessing to each of us personally to watch those relationships grow throughout the week. I think that our personal connection to specific kids gave us extra energy and enthusiasm for our final week.

- I asked our volunteers how it had been for them not being allowed to speak about Jesus. They said they'd been struck by how much easier it is to talk about Jesus than it is to act like him-- and that they'd learned so much more about him in the process.

- We had braced ourselves for the challenges of working with kids in or at risk of being placed in foster care. We expected behavior issues and anger issues. But I don't think any of us expected kids who loved to be loved and loved to love back so readily and enthusiastically.

Today was the last day of "Brain Camp" (the program at the school). All week we've wondered what the school thought of our program. Today the vice principal came up to me and said "would you keep us in mind to do this again next year??" Oh lady, you have no idea how much we were hoping you'd say that!

We invited the kids to come to Padre Plaza tomorrow. I drew maps for every kid in the red group because they were so concerned that their parents might not let them come if they didn't know exactly where it was. I'm nervous that their parents still might not let them come. Pray with us that their parents will bring them, that they will come, that they will hear about Jesus, that they'll sign up to come to camp, that this will be the beginning of a long-term relationship with Jesus and with us.

There's another verse in the same chapter that says "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders' work is pointless" (v 1). That's been so true of our March Madness month. He's shown us again and again that he's in this, that he has been building this outreach and building the relationships with these children. We serve a big God. So we're asking him big things. Can you ask him with us? There's no doubt about it that he loves these kids even more than we do-- and that's saying a lot!

Sad for Thursday

Did you have fun today? -- I asked Tania, one of the girls from the group I led on Monday.

"So much fun," she responded. "But I'm sad."

Why are you sad??

"Cuz tomorrow's Thursday."

Huh? Why does that make you sad?

"Because this is gonna be over!"

So I told her about Padre Plaza and how we'll be there on Friday and she should come then, too. She asked several questions to make sure she knew exactly which park I meant.

"What time??"

1 o'clock.

"In the morning?!"

No, in the afternoon.

"Wait, when is that?"

You eat lunch at noon, right?

"No, 12:30."

Okay, you eat lunch at 12:30. And then it's 1 o'clock right after that. That 1 o'clock.

"Oh, that 1 o'clock! Okay great! I'm gonna ask my mom if she'll bring me!"

I sure hope she comes. But either way, I agree with her. I'm kind of sad tomorrow's Thursday and that this is gonna be over soon, too. Don't get me wrong; I'm excited to sleep. But after I've slept a bit, I'm gonna miss all this March Madness. It's been pretty awesome.

An Eclectic Cast

Thank you to everyone who prayed. After I posted that last entry, another of my volunteers canceled. God, that's not what I meant by providing enough volunteers. And then my friend Eleanor (who had come up for our East Harlem outreach and was part of the original Padre Plaza team) texted me that one of her friends from Tennessee was in NYC for his spring break with some friends and that they wanted to volunteer with us for the day! Oh yes, that is more what I had in mind!!!

I woke up this morning to more cancellations of people who had said they'd help. At some point though, you just have to say Okay God, this one's yours. Please equip us to do this. I don't know how, but please do something.

When I got to the office this morning, someone else canceled. Okay, it's time to swallow my pride and tell the vice principal that we're short-staffed. So I emailed her and asked if we could combine groups since our numbers were so much lower than we'd anticipated. Imagine my joy when she responded, "Actually, our numbers are a lot lower than we'd expected too; a bunch of kids forgot about it today. So that should work well, and you'll have a bigger group the rest of the week."

A few NYCUP students arrived early and joined us. Two of the kids still in our current mentoring program in Manhattan had spring break and agreed to help out. One of my former NJ students rode the bus in and lent a hand as well. The two guys from Tennessee who gave an afternoon of their spring break. The president of the IVCF chapter at Columbia who heard about the need. My roommate who left the restaurant in all its craziness because she knew I was so short-handed. Several camp counselors who live in the city. And suddenly, we actually looked like a legitimate team of volunteers.

I remember hearing once that God doesn't always deliver in the eleventh hour. Sometimes he waits until the thirteenth hour. But he always delivers. I know this wasn't a matter of life and death, but it was a pretty big deal to me and, as I've been learning, God really does care about the details of my life. And boy, did it feel like we were in the thirteenth hour. But God showed up. And it was awesome. I know that we don't get to see the whole picture right away, but I'm already thankful that I had the chance to lead a group (usually I just get to equip my volunteers to lead) and to have the interactions I did with the kids we served today. I'm pretty psyched to go back tomorrow with a full volunteer staff. But the team today was a pretty awesome reminder that God really does want us there, sharing his love (though wordlessly) with the children in that school!

The Last Round

Well, here we go. The home stretch. Tomorrow afternoon is the beginning of the end. And this week, just like all the others before it, will be different than anything we've done to this point. And I'm kind of nervous about it.

See, we got this awesome opportunity to partner with a charter school that serves primarily foster kids or those at risk of being placed in the foster system. I know-- cool, right? But there are two stipulations: 1. We have to run it Monday-Thursday (instead of our usual Tuesday-Friday) and 2. We can't talk about God, Jesus, or anything religious. Maybe these should have been deal-breakers, but we made the decision to go with it.

I'll take the second obstacle first. Last year, when faced with the same stipulation at the school where we'd been planning to hold our outreach, I knew God wanted us to walk away and not compromise. Have I gone soft? I keep wondering. But this year, I really think that God wants us to be at this school. It's in the exact neighborhood where we are trying to be long-term; and these are exactly the kinds of kids we are hoping to serve. Maybe that's why I feel differently about this one-- it's not a one-off event; it's the beginning of building a relationship. This is the "give them a reason to ask of the hope that is in you" phase of the relationship. So please pray that the kids will experience the love of Jesus through each of the leaders this week, even when we are not allowed to use our words just yet.

The first obstacle is actually more daunting to me right now. Monday is tomorrow. This camp session begins at 1pm. Our volunteers arrive at 4pm. I think it's safe to say that even if you're not very time-conscious, you'll agree that those time-frames don't make for good news. So we started recruiting. And recruiting. And begging. And pleading. And three days ago we had enough volunteers signed up to make it happen. And then a couple dropped out. And then one more. And then another. And another. Oh, and then two more. And I am trying not to freak out that we're at the eleventh hour without enough volunteers. Lord, you want us here, right? Will you supply our needs to make this happen because you have called us to this task?

So please pray that he will. And that we will build this relationship with the school in a way that allows us to partner with them longer-term. Pray that these same kids come to Padre Plaza on Friday for our special closing event (where we ARE allowed to talk about Jesus!) and that they'll hear about and understand the love they've been experiencing all week up to that point.

Pray that we have energy to make it through this last week. Pray that we have joy throughout it. Pray that we would genuinely love these kids with the love of Jesus. Pray that they'll feel it and know it's different than anything else they've experienced. And please, please pray that we have enough help tomorrow to pull this off....