Growing Out and Growing In

I've been MIA for a while now. Apologies to all you blog readers who anxiously check every day waiting-- breathlessly, no doubt-- for a new blog post to appear. And for a whole year now, you've been disappointed. And I'm sorry for that.

If it makes you feel any better, I've missed it too. It's not that I haven't had things going on inside my head; it's more that I haven't been able to figure out how to get them out of my head and into any sort of coherent word formation. But I've underestimated how much blogging helps make life feel coherent-- there's something therapeutic about it. I remember when I first moved to New York and nothing made any sense-- I remember when I walked around the city and desperately looked for something (anything!) that would give me a clue to where the pieces of the puzzle were supposed to go. And I found clues and new pieces to the puzzle that I didn't even know existed. This blog helped me make sense of those as I turned them over and over again and tried to figure out what they meant and how they fit and how to cope with the insanity of this puzzle we call life.

I wish I had a neat update to give. How I've finished my puzzle and achieved lasting joy and contentment in the process. I wish I could tell you that I never struggle with doubt or fear or insecurity anymore-- that I never question God or his goodness and care for me anymore, and that since he's been so faithful to me in the past I'm always unfailingly confident in his faithfulness in the future. But alas, the puzzle's still not finished, and I'm still human.

This year has been more of the same. I've had my heart broken-- again. I've questioned God-- again. I've felt abandoned and alone-- again. And maybe that's why I haven't blogged about it. I want to be able to say I've conquered these things or grown out of them. But I'm realizing it's okay that I haven't grown out of them, because I'm growing in them. I've had my heart broken, but I'm still capable of love. I still question God, but now that looks like asking him questions to his face and having real and honest conversations with him about the things I don't understand. I've felt abandoned and alone, but that's one of the things I talk to God about too; because the feeling doesn't have to be the reality.

So I just wanted to let you know, I'm back. Maybe not as frequently as I was before; but I need this blog. I need to process the things God is showing me throughout the days here in NYC. Early on I wrote about the similarities between blogging and photography, because both make you look for beauty in the ordinary. I haven't been good about taking pictures lately, and I haven't been good about blogging. As a result, I've stopped seeing the beauty all around me. And that's just not okay.