Without You I Wouldn't Have a Voice

I have words for everything. My staff makes fun of me for using big words that no one else knows. (I tell them "I'm expanding your vocabulary-- you're welcome.") I write to make sense of things that don't make sense. Words are my healing balm. And yet, I don't have words for this today and right now. Not because there aren't words, but because I can't find them. Nothing seems adequate. Words don't express the thoughts, the emotions, the fears that are coursing through my mind and heart. It feels like any actual words will trivialize the depth of what I'm feeling, like something will get lost in the translation and will erase the validity of my experience.

I've learned that being speechless is one of the most defeating feelings because it makes you even lonelier. I heard a subway performer recently, after presenting his spoken word piece, who said, "Thank you for listening, because without you I wouldn't have a voice." I thought then how terrible it would be to be mute-- if you couldn't communicate with those around you. But what happens if you're not mute but you still can't be heard... What happens if you take a risk, use your voice, and it falls on ears that didn't really listen? What if you find out that what you're saying can't actually be heard by the people you love the most? What if, when you try to use words, you find out that you don't actually have a voice...

I'm thankful that even as I write this, the Proverb comes to mind that says "Speak up for those who have no voice" (31:8) because it reminds me that God cares about the speechless too. That he hears the cries of my heart when I have no words to articulate the feelings. That Jesus is telling God what I need even right now, when I can't find the words to tell him myself.