When Hoping Hurts

I am learning that sometimes it hurts worse to hope than not to.

Maybe this is something that the rest of the world figured out a long time ago; but I'm stubborn, and I've long insisted that being an optimist is The Way Forward and that, really, it is a more enriching and rewarding approach to life.

I'm beginning to think that I've been wrong this whole time. Because the fact of the matter is that if you let yourself hope, you open yourself to a whole lot more risk of getting hurt than if you just expect the worst. If you expect to be let down, then you're either satisfied or pleasantly surprised. Yet if you choose to hope, you open yourself to the possibility of pain.

So just stop hoping, I keep telling myself. Stop expecting big things and you, too, can be satisfied or even pleasantly surprised.

It sounds wonderful. And yet I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe it's my fear of missing out. Because if hope deferred makes the heart sick (and boy, does it!), hope fulfilled must make the heart sing like nothing else.

And there's this-- I can't get away from the fact that we serve a God of hope who wants us to keep hoping, even when it's hard and even when it hurts. One of my favorite prayers in the Bible is from Romans 15:13-- "May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him, that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." I read this verse last week when I was fighting to hope, and I was relieved to see that there's no expectation that this hope will come from my own strength. Because I don't have that kind of strength. But by the power of the Holy Spirit, I may abound in hope.

It hurts to hope. Because when you hope, you make yourself vulnerable. You open yourself to the possibility of pain and disappointment. And when hope is deferred and your heart is sick, it's so tempting to give up and not go down that road of hope again.

I still want to believe that it's worth it. That because we are called to hope, that it really is the more enriching and rewarding path to take-- even if it's the scarier, and sometimes the harder, one. Man, I wish I had answers; I wish I knew how to keep hoping without risking getting hurt. But the only thing I can figure out right now is to keep clinging to that verse from Romans. I don't even know what it looks like completely, but I want to fight for it because I want my life to be characterized by peace and joy. I want to fight for it because I don't want to give up hope.

But I am weak. Right now especially. And in the midst of the hurt, it's hard for me even to think about opening myself up to more pain. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not up to me, that I don't have to find the strength in myself, and that the Holy Spirit is the one who will enable me and empower me to hope again.

Lord, by the power of your Holy Spirit, help me to trust in you, the God of hope, so that I can continue to abound (to overflow!) in hope.

Even when it hurts.