I turned 30 two weeks ago today. Not only am I not married with two children like I always thought I would be by now, but I'm also not on any direct or clear path to some elite career in lieu of this motherhood track. I changed my mind about pursuing a PhD a long time ago, and I don't even live in the house I bought when I was sure that Philadelphia was where I would spend the rest of my life. No, I'm nowhere close to where I thought I'd be when I turned 30.
Puzzles have become the theme of my life ever since my move to New York last summer. Last week I got handed a few more puzzle pieces that don't seem to fit anywhere. I guess I always thought that, at the very least, I'd have the frame of my puzzle done by the time I turned 30. No such luck.
I have a friend who has understood my struggle in a unique way, because it has been her struggle as well. We have both been fighting to make sense of what to do with our individual lives. She wrote to me today: "God's already got it all worked out... and he already knows what is best and fulfills my heart's desires and uses all my skills and personality and loves. Remember, he already knows before we even ask, so if he already knows, maybe we need to spend less energy asking and more focus on 1) acknowledging and seeing God's greatness and 2) surrendering to him, letting him be God."
One of my favorite songs is by Andrew Peterson, and it goes like this:
Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong.
Life isn't long, but it is hard. And the pieces of the puzzle don't always make sense. Especially when you're bad at puzzles, anyway. But I'm glad that God has it all worked out; I'm glad that God's not caught off guard by the fact that I just turned 30 and I'm still staring at all my puzzle pieces. And I'm really glad that he's already got it all worked out and knows exactly where and how each piece will fit with the others.
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong.
Life isn't long, but it is hard. And the pieces of the puzzle don't always make sense. Especially when you're bad at puzzles, anyway. But I'm glad that God has it all worked out; I'm glad that God's not caught off guard by the fact that I just turned 30 and I'm still staring at all my puzzle pieces. And I'm really glad that he's already got it all worked out and knows exactly where and how each piece will fit with the others.
I think all women turning 30 feel this way. I was pretty depressed on my 30th birthday. I kept thinking of all the things I didn't accomplish.
ReplyDeleteAnne,
ReplyDeleteHaving a little time on my hands (you know the story), I've had a chance to read a few entries of your blog. I'm not at all surprised to find you to be an engaging and thought-provoking writer. You've captured a heartful in your statement, "Life isn't long, but it is hard. And the pieces of the puzzle don't always make sense." My eyes are welling up as I reflect upon these realities. How blessed we are to be able to cling to the Master Weaver who does all things well for our good and His glory. Persevere dear sister in the Lord.
Warmly,
K.C.