Some things you just can't blog about. And that's a shame, since blogging helps me process life. Maybe someday. But for now, I'll share the words of the song that is playing on repeat in my apartment.
Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one
I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons....
At the end of the day, this is all I need to know. That God is for me. So somehow everything God is doing in my life is good. It's just sometimes goodness that I don't recognize because it looks suspiciously like things I fear.
But why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need. You know what I need.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
On Turning 30...
I've dreaded turning 30 since, well, since I could count that high. For me, 30 has always been a marker for being grown up and, therefore, for having everything figured out. In recent years, the closer I got to the dreaded 3-0, the more it became apparent to me that I wasn't going to be ready to turn 30. Because instead of getting closer to my goals, my goals have shifted and changed until I'm not even sure what I'm reaching for anymore.
I turned 30 two weeks ago today. Not only am I not married with two children like I always thought I would be by now, but I'm also not on any direct or clear path to some elite career in lieu of this motherhood track. I changed my mind about pursuing a PhD a long time ago, and I don't even live in the house I bought when I was sure that Philadelphia was where I would spend the rest of my life. No, I'm nowhere close to where I thought I'd be when I turned 30.
Puzzles have become the theme of my life ever since my move to New York last summer. Last week I got handed a few more puzzle pieces that don't seem to fit anywhere. I guess I always thought that, at the very least, I'd have the frame of my puzzle done by the time I turned 30. No such luck.
I have a friend who has understood my struggle in a unique way, because it has been her struggle as well. We have both been fighting to make sense of what to do with our individual lives. She wrote to me today: "God's already got it all worked out... and he already knows what is best and fulfills my heart's desires and uses all my skills and personality and loves. Remember, he already knows before we even ask, so if he already knows, maybe we need to spend less energy asking and more focus on 1) acknowledging and seeing God's greatness and 2) surrendering to him, letting him be God."
One of my favorite songs is by Andrew Peterson, and it goes like this:
I turned 30 two weeks ago today. Not only am I not married with two children like I always thought I would be by now, but I'm also not on any direct or clear path to some elite career in lieu of this motherhood track. I changed my mind about pursuing a PhD a long time ago, and I don't even live in the house I bought when I was sure that Philadelphia was where I would spend the rest of my life. No, I'm nowhere close to where I thought I'd be when I turned 30.
Puzzles have become the theme of my life ever since my move to New York last summer. Last week I got handed a few more puzzle pieces that don't seem to fit anywhere. I guess I always thought that, at the very least, I'd have the frame of my puzzle done by the time I turned 30. No such luck.
I have a friend who has understood my struggle in a unique way, because it has been her struggle as well. We have both been fighting to make sense of what to do with our individual lives. She wrote to me today: "God's already got it all worked out... and he already knows what is best and fulfills my heart's desires and uses all my skills and personality and loves. Remember, he already knows before we even ask, so if he already knows, maybe we need to spend less energy asking and more focus on 1) acknowledging and seeing God's greatness and 2) surrendering to him, letting him be God."
One of my favorite songs is by Andrew Peterson, and it goes like this:
Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong.
Life isn't long, but it is hard. And the pieces of the puzzle don't always make sense. Especially when you're bad at puzzles, anyway. But I'm glad that God has it all worked out; I'm glad that God's not caught off guard by the fact that I just turned 30 and I'm still staring at all my puzzle pieces. And I'm really glad that he's already got it all worked out and knows exactly where and how each piece will fit with the others.
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong.
Life isn't long, but it is hard. And the pieces of the puzzle don't always make sense. Especially when you're bad at puzzles, anyway. But I'm glad that God has it all worked out; I'm glad that God's not caught off guard by the fact that I just turned 30 and I'm still staring at all my puzzle pieces. And I'm really glad that he's already got it all worked out and knows exactly where and how each piece will fit with the others.
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