Pumpkin's First Birthday

One year ago today I moved to New York City.

What a long, strange year it's been.

My year doesn't look much like I thought it would. To be honest, I guess I'm not sure what I was expecting. But I didn't think at this point in the game that I'd still be working two part-time jobs or that I'd still feel like I'm living in a state of limbo.

"Are you happy though?" -- many friends have asked me in recent weeks. And again and again, my response has been:
Yes. But I feel like I shouldn't be.

I love New York. I love our new apartment. I love that I live with one of my best friends. I love both my jobs (yes, even though they're part-time and I don't have benefits and I don't make as much money as I could doing.... um.... pretty much anything else). I love living about twenty blocks from Steve and Ellen. I love that I see Tim every couple weeks and that it doesn't have to be planned out way-far in advance. I love that friends keep coming through New York and staying with me.

And somehow I didn't expect to love all these things as much as I do. I thought I'd come for the summer, regroup and heal a bit, and return to life in Philly. Because, to be honest, the one thing really missing from my life in NYC is my friends that don't live here. And I miss them. A lot. Somehow I thought that one year later, I wouldn't still have those moments where I missed my friends so much that it hurt. But I do. And somehow I can't reconcile all of that with how much I love New York.

I told Adam about some of this the other night, and he said, "But Anne, it takes time to make good friends. You haven't given it enough time." I know he's right. But I also know that I left some pretty incredible friends behind, and that friends like that are few and far between. And I don't want to replace them, either, which makes it hard for me to think about making new friends like that here. And then again, maybe I'm just thinking about this way. too. much.

I saw three of my best Philly friends last weekend. As we sat around the table, I said--
Guys, can you believe I've almost been gone a whole year? Next week will be my one year anniversary of moving to New York!
"One year?!? That's such a long time!"
But you know what? We're still really really good friends. Distance didn't change that. One year didn't change that.

So yeah. I've been in New York for a year. I love my life right now, but I'm still scared about my future. I want to make more new friends, but somehow I feel afraid that to do so would mean losing some of my old ones, and I know for sure I don't want to do that. I wish there were a way to be in New York and Philly (and England and Maryland and Michigan and Virginia and New Hampshire and everywhere else my friends are, for that matter) at the same time. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to be content where I am. I don't know how to be content and still strive for more; how to be content, yet not complacent.

I'd like to say I'm excited about this next year, but I don't know if that'd be true. I have no idea what it's gonna look like, and that scares me. If I've learned one thing this year, it's that I have no idea what my future holds. But that's not the whole truth, either. Because I've also learned that even when my future is uncertain and scary, God is faithful and constant through it all.

So as long as I can remember that throughout this next year, I say-- Bring It On!!