Upside Down Ratio

"Upside Down" is the theme of our camps this month-- showing how Jesus turned worldly wisdom upside down and did things differently.

Well, today was Day 1 of Week 1. And our ratio of kids to adults was upside down, too. When we started we had 36 leaders. And 6 kids. So much for that goal of 4:1, kids to adults; we were 1:6. And I was discouraged.

I want to say that there was a great moment in there of surrender and faith. And that God showed up in huge ways and suddenly we had 100 kids. But that didn't happen. I got discouraged, and I felt guilty. For not having advertised more, for deciding to do it inside where we were less visible (it was sunny today, but I'd had to make the call earlier in the week), for not praying more and praying harder.

I want to say that several hours later, on this side of it, that I can look back and see what God was trying to teach me in that moment. But tonight after camp I had to lead a mentor training for my current mentor staff. We were talking about suffering and how God enters into our suffering-- into every aspect of our lives-- no matter how major or minor we (or others) might think it is. And what we kept coming back to was the importance of being honest with God in those moments. When we have the answers or we don't have the answers. When our hearts are full of praise or our hearts are full of questions and doubts.

It did get a little better... Eleven more kids came by the end; we had 17 kids total to go with our 36 adults. But if I'm really honest-- with myself, with you, with God-- tonight my heart is still full of questions and doubts; and I don't have any answers. I wonder if it's a mistake that we thought we could pull four of these camps off. I wonder if I should have done something differently in the planning. I wonder if I should have prayed differently or prayed better or prayed harder. The college students around me didn't seem discouraged in the least, and somehow that made me feel even worse. It makes me wonder if I'm even the right person for this; if my faith just isn't strong enough for the task at hand.

So there it is. My honest feelings at the end of my second 15-hour day. Unpolished and unglamified (is that even a word??) so you can know how to pray for me at this stage of this Month o' Madness. Tomorrow I'm sure we'll have more kids. And that's exciting to me, but it scares me somehow too. I don't want my faith to be dependent just on how many kids show up. One of my prayers leading up to this has been that all of us adults will encounter God-- that we'll know God is with us and that we'll experience him in whole new ways. That our joy and sense of his presence will be the same if we have 6 kids or if we have 60. That I won't feel guilty or inadequate because the outreach doesn't meet my standard of success, but that I'll find joy in the privilege of participating in what God is doing in these neighborhoods.